So, the moment I found out I was pregnant, I received a very strong message.
"All you have to do is take care of your vessel and we will take care of the rest”.
I knew that night, as the moon was full and I lay with my pregnancy test on my chest in a pure state of bliss, that this was my only role. Then and there, I committed to showing up to it in any and every way that I could.
Little did I know then, that this promise would end up being one of the most difficult promises to keep.
As I unknowingly entered the first trimester, I was hit with a host of symptoms.
Becoming a clear vessel was the last thing on my mind as all my energy was consumed on trying to just get through the days. Dreams of healthy eating were replaced with an unload of carbs to support my newly adopted fussy appetite, and visions of mornings spent meditating and journaling were swept up with waves of exhaustion and despondency.
There were many times during these months when I lost my gratitude completely as I fell into victimhood mentality. Times when I lost the light as I was trying to navigate my way through the dark, and where I was harrowed with waves of guilt for feeling all of the above when I knew life’s greatest miracle was brewing within me.
However, amidst it all there remained a voice within, it lived deep down within me and when I got quiet enough, it was there letting me know that this was all apart of the process.
I began to consider that perhaps these were in fact the steps I needed to take in order to become this vessel, and that if I dug deep enough I would understand that there was more going on that met the eye.
I sought out for guidance and help, I sought to understand these symptoms in a deeper more spiritual context but everywhere I looked spoke only towards the physical and biological reasons for this. Nowhere seemed to fulfil my desire to understand on a deeper level why.
So I realised perhaps that this was the start of initiation into motherhood. Because no-one said it was going to be easy right?
So here is my alternative view on the first trimester symptoms:
Morning Sickness / Nausea/ Food Aversions
It became my theory that this may just be the way our physical body expels toxins from our vessel that are not serving us in preparation. I began to realise that the physical body needed to prepare to become clean in order to best serve this little life within. This may mean that we are forced to be sick, or feel sick in order to allow the process of elimination to begin and in order to rid ourselves of all that we’ve been storing within us that will not support this creation.
I also began to notice how strongly my body was guiding me to what it wanted to eat and didn’t want too. As soon as I began to trust the guidance I let go; even if that meant loading up on pasta and plain food. I trusted that this was in fact exactly what my body needed. However, as the weeks passed I revelled in the way my body was leading me to fresh fruit, vegetables and nutrients... I basked in the joy that my body has and always does know exactly what it’s doing.
For the first 3 months I was hit with unimaginable exhaustion. I felt like I hadn’t slept for weeks, yet I was drifting off at every chance I could get.
It was an all consuming calling and yearning to be still, or perhaps to drift off into dreamland.
The truth is I lost all my inspiration, creativity and desires, and as a creative person at the beginning this felt extremely triggering. My conditioned mind was constantly trying to find ways around it, ways to block myself from just being.
But as time went on I realised there was nothing I could do, exhaustion had won,and I began to see this is a deep message to surrender, to quiet my mind, to stop focusing on being busy and take this time to just be.
As I moved through this, I would constantly remind myself that I was holding my greatest creation yet, and it’s ok that my role this time was to just surrender so that the universe could work its magik within me.
I was being shown once again to trust the rhythms of my body, that it was guiding me to become the best vessel… and if the rumours are true, it was also giving me the blessed opportunity to fill up on sleep, as it may just be my last opportunity for a good nap or sleep in a while ;).
I was experiencing deep sharp pains in my nipples and sore/ tender breasts, so painful that it would cause me to stop in my tracks, let out a wail and try desperately to breathe through the pain. In the first 3 months of pregnancy so much is happening within you, but not much is showing outside of you.
After I got over the initial shock of these pains, I began to experience these sensations as true signs that my body was changing. Growth spurts that let me know through the invisible mechanics going on inside that actually my body was changing, evolving, preparing. With no bump as proof, my breasts became my signals.
So what once felt like an excruciating pain quickly became something I honoured and felt comfort in feeling and knowing that it was an inner sign that everything was brewing in perfect order.
Anger, resentment, anxiety, fears, tears, screams, lows; I experienced them all.
Whether they made sense or not, whether I wanted to feel them or resist them, they would come and I was forced to experience the waves of emotions that my body wanted me to feel.
So at this moment I had a choice, surrender or spiral.
When I spiralled into my mood swings, it would leave me in a toxic headspace, so much so that I could even feel the toxins emerging in my body. This was clearly not the route to my clear and clean vessel.
So I began to seek out another way, I knew these mood swings were strong and powerful and I knew, deep down that I was being called to remember how to hold my emotions in a deeper way.
I dropped into a process that welcomed me to do just that, that every time these waves emerged I could at least try to respond better.
I learnt to:
Feel each emotion as it rose.
To Aceept, that I was feeling this way.
To understand, if there was a deeper reason as to why these feelings were emerging, what beliefs I was allowing myself to believe or a stories I was holding onto.
And lastly to nurture and give love to the pain that came up in the process.
I soon understood that these mood swings, these heightened emotions could not just be blamed and pushed aside because of hormones but rather they were an opportunity to sit with very alive feelings that I had to learn how to mother.
And perhaps in mothering myself, I slowly began to learn how to mother my babe.
Perhaps these explanations are obvious to some, but for me it was so powerful to keep reminding myself of the deeper meaning behind them; this is how I made my 1st trimester sacred to me.
In moving through each symptom consciously I realised I was in the process of creating the vessel that I promised to make to myself and the being within.
And perhaps its within the first 3 months that we are called to experience the deepest of symtoms, a moment in time to mark this transition, to begin the journey, as our body meets with the soul of another and they in turn create the perfect environment for the ride. These 3 months were a lesson in trusting; for if I could learn to trust my body to make this baby, then I could learn to trust it, to birth it, mother it and look after it too.
As I came to the end of my 3rd trimester, I took a deep exhale and surrendered.
I reflected on the deep, powerful and transformative journey I had been on and realised just like any journey we take we begin by stepping through the unknown to meet the shadows, in order to find the light.
I fell into the knowing the deep acceptance that this was all happening not to me, but for me; for us.