Approval... why we Seek it? Why we feel we need it?
Upon reflection, I can see how many things I’ve done for the approval of others ~ the ways I’ve acted out of character, harmed myself, gone against my beliefs and values … just to feel that acceptance from others.
This reigns true in my family life more than anything. I was brought up in a very unusual family structure ~ my parents divorced when I was young ~ and I lived two very opposite lives. A traditional life with my Dad, filled with customs, religious rituals, structure + security and a Bohemian, Free spirited life with my Mum filled with creativity, eccentricity + independence.
Looking back it was the perfect balance of Masculine + Feminine, and I feel lucky to have been brought up through these different magical eyes, however, at the time it felt that both of my parents were seeking very different things from me.... my Dad wanted me to get good grades, go to a good University + marry a nice Jewish boy. My Mum on the other hand wanted me to create, to roll in at the early hours of the morning and hoped I’d rebel and become a punk rocker or a struggling artist.
These two polarities led me to feel I was constantly disappointing one of them ~ I was never good enough.
I battled with this idea throughout my teens, numbing it out with cries for attention, distractions + in hindsight very unconscious living. It wasn’t until I was around 22 that I realised… I’d spent my whole life trying to please others, trying to be accepted, trying to be good enough that quite frankly I didn’t know who on earth I was.
I have spent the past few years… healing, empowering and learning about my self in all my facets, dark and light, however, deep down in the base of the pit of my stomach lies this little girl who still wants to feel heard, who still wants to be accepted , who still wants to feel she’s good enough...and when she doesn't, in my all honesty, it still really hurts.
I tell you this story not to end it with a happily ever after… but to highlight the resin that still live within me.
Last night, I cried out for attention from my dad… I compromised my values + beliefs just to receive his approval… and It didn’t work ~ I didn’t get what I was looking for.
I came home feeling so down + depressed and spent this morning journalling all about it; streaming my feelings,unconscious thoughts + very conscious thoughts onto paper.
Between the lines of my writing and the pages of non sensical words, Emerged a Message. A message that urged me to write this post... to write it down for me and for you.
When your seeking for approval let that moment be your opportunity to give approval to yourself,
When your seeking validation let that be your moment to tell yourself your pretty enough, strong enough, smart enough,
When your seeking attention, let that be your opportunity to listen to yourself + hear what voice is speaking to you,
Let us not get lost in the mirage that someones acceptance will make you feel whole, let’s believe that life is constantly giving you opportunities, to rise, to grow and to shine your light,
If you do not rise to the challenge, obstacles , signs or circumstances they will keep appearing until you meet yourself at your Highest self.
So let us prove to ourselves, for ourselves, that we are good enough, we are brave enough, we are enough….as in that moment that light will shine through us … and we will stand in our own garden with all the acceptance, pride + validation we could have ever imagined.
I share this with you Today... For me and for you ~ in the hope that you can remind yourself of your magic and your beauty ... like I am reminding myself of mine.