When I moved into my apartment last year, I felt a call within to transform it into a Magikal haven; an exotic oasis where palm trees framed the corners, mirrored morrocan rugs glistened on the rich stained wooden floors, dream catchers (weaved from Brazil) hung from the ceilings and fairy lights draped across every mantle piece.
I knew that the urge to create such a space was not purely to serve my needs for a retreat from the hustle + bustle of London Town.. it felt bigger than me.
A space for Women to escape their minds and find their soul. A space for Women to unapologetically just be. A space for Women to feel like the magikal beings they are.
A Goddess Space
As such, I began opening my doors to Women in London to join me for magikal gatherings.
Under Moonlight, these gatherings held space. From talks on Astrology and Moon cycles, to Secret Sharing Circles. From Energy Healing workshops to Enchanting Tarot Clubs … before I knew it The Goddess Space was birthed; a physical space to house Women in reconnecting back to their Magik.
As the weeks went on the gatherings became more popular, and before I knew it 2 or 3 mystical experiences were holding space within these walls per week.
The space began to illuminate, it began to glow, it started to hold this energy; a type of energy that once stepping inside, you couldn't help but immediately feel.
These walls offered a safe place for Women to come and Release, to Share, to Alchemise & to Transform. These walls listened, they held us and our emotions. These walls made us feel safe and nurtured. These walls allowed us to unleash our Magik, and supported us as we began to Rise.
As the gatherings became more popular, and the space became more alive, the only thing left to do was to surrender and let the space take me where it wanted to go...it was not only attracting the most inspiring and magikal women through its doors, but providing me with new inspiration for gatherings and even providing me with extra income ( as enquiries began to flow in from other people wanting to hire the space too).
Everything seemed to be flowing in divine alignment … I felt excited about what the space was going to grant me next…trusting that everything was working out exactly as it was meant to.
That was until.... a curve ball of sorts got thrown my way.
To my true shock and surprise, the next direction The Goddess Space began to journey down was actually a merging between Masculine + Feminine … It seemed the space wanted The Goddess Space to evolve into both a Goddess + God space?
Confused right?… Well let me explain.
I have been with my amazing Warrior of a boyfriend for 2 years now and although the topic of moving in has come up, I was always the first to shut it down… clinging to this old traditional belief I picked up, once upon a time, that I wouldn't move in with him until we were Married. ( I know very 21st Century of me )!!
Being so immersed in this belief I had created, I didn’t even allow myself the space to consider this as an option in the near future.
This I soon learned, was my avoidance tactic also known as Fear of Commitment. Who knew I was a commitment phobe :) not me!!
Anyway, long story short… The topic of moving in resurfaced, and as I tried desperately to cling to this old belief as a way to distract myself , I began to realise there was something much deeper going on here. Something I was afraid to dive into. A deep rooted fear was emerging from the depths of me, and this time it was making itself very clear that it was here to stay.
In an attempt to release this fear, I committed to doing the thing I was most afraid of... Moving in with him… And with that, oh boy, did a lot of stuff come up. It was like pulling a stubborn weed out of the soil. It wasn't gracious, and it definitely wasn't pretty.
It all began when he made his first "Move In Visit" he was no longer coming over to chill and watch TV, but rather he was coming over to suss out the space; figuring out what he needed to bring and where things were going to go.
He explained to me that if we was gonna move in I needed to be willing and open to share the Space with him.
(Voice in my head)
Gulp, Take one inhalation in and out
“Of course baby, I'll clean out half my wardrobe.. and make it a fun experience!! I'll donate any clothes that I haven't worn in the past year and then I'll go drop them at our local charity shop"
(Voice in my head)
Great work✔️ That wasn’t so hard was it Anoushka!
“And Anoushka, you know the cushions you store up there for the Goddess Gatherings, well we’re going to need more storage for some of my things so you may have to move them to your mums house and go collect them from her every time you have a gatheirng.. she only lives round the corner"
(Voice in my head)
Bigger gulp, deeper inhalations and exhalations...
“Ok sure baby, that sounds fair” I responded
“And another thing Anoushka... those dream catchers”
"Don’t you dare even begin to talk about those dream catchers! NO! Absolutely Not - I can't live without my dream catchers (head dives into a pillow as I sob, wailing into it) "
(Voice in my head)
Righhhhht, that wasn’t a good look Anoushka. Calm down and breathe.
As we journeyed from the initial compromises about sharing space, I was then confronted with Fears of what would happen to The Goddess Space.
Will people feel that same energy when they walk in? How can a Goddess Space be a Goddess Space if a Boy lives here? I can’t allow smelly socks, and books about football to take over? How will I run any of my gatherings? Will I lose my sense of worth without The Goddess Space? Will I have anything to offer my clients without the support of this magikal space?
As you might begin to gather, the journey of learning how to share space with my partner was a cycle of ups and downs, compromises and sacrifices, false beliefs and fears that emerged from every angle, and I soon began to realise, these were the Tests.
As we began the countdown till move in day, I began to rise into a different approach and to allow these fears and stories to be there, and accept each one as a challenge to rise above it. I felt good,I felt confident, I felt I was listening to my soul and seeing this journey for exactly what it was meant to be.... a transformation!
However, when the day finally arrived, that all went out the window, and the day began to unravel just like all those fears had told me it would.
The Goddess Space was unrecognisable, hidden amongst big brown cardboard boxes ...quickly everything became all too real.
Feelings of fear, panic over swept me... thoughts that I hate to admit such as "its not too late now” or "what if we don’t work out how awkward is that gonna be!" "You can end this all right this moment! Its not too LATE!!!"... These voices, these screams kept getting louder and louder, and as I tried to let them wash over me and appear calm and collected, I felt like I was crumbling inside; Like I had failed the test.
In that moment, I remember turning to my left and meeting my boyfriends eyes. The person who had committed to merging his life with mine, the human who has supported me , grown with me, loved me unconditionally and helped me transform into the Woman I am today… I took him in and realised, it was time for me to make space for him, not just in my apartment ,but in my heart.
As I subtly surrendered, my heart effortlessly cracked open ( it felt like that was all it needed to do) and with that something magikal happened… the voices all of a sudden got quieter, and the universe, well it immedtiatly responded.
Move in day was seamless. Every book, nook and cranny fit seamlessly into the space like clockwork. We spent the day listening to Ben Howard on repeat as we merged our two worlds together. We divided the book shelf in half, filling up one side with books on Moon Spells, Tarot decks, Astrology + Herbalism... Whilst the other side filled up with Football programmes, Vintage boxing gloves and biographies on Past philosophers and Politicians.
It felt like an electric pulse was running through the space…a fusion of Masculine and Feminine. A fusion of Us.
As the day's went on, the cracks in my heart began to fill up... it began to fill up with a nostalgic and beautiful feeling, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. The more I tuned into it, the more I began to remember this feeling. It led me back to my childhood; It led my back to when I was a little girl and my parents were still together, when we were all living as one
It was the feeling of Acceptance, Security, Stability, Foundations, Love. It was the feeling of Home.
I guess I was so afraid to lose that feeling again, that my body trained itself to work so hard to protect me. Which upon reflection, made breaking down those barriers that much harder and uncomfortable.
The truth remains that, The Goddess Space is still alive, I still hold my magikal gatherings in the space 3 times a week, I still welcome Women in for 1:1 sessions on the weekend and during the week, but now… I just learnt to compromise, and now I have to spend a bit more time with her.
I have to go into my Goddess cupboard and bring out the sparkles, hang up the dream catchers, turn on the fairy lights, and roll out the magical mirrored carpet.. but she’s there.
She’s not going anywhere and never was. She always knew that… but I guess it was my lesson to learn.
Who knew The Goddess Space could get anymore magikal. Who knew she'd be the one to remind me of the harmony and balance thats created when Masculine + Feminine energies meet.
Who knew she could support me in cracking my heart open to allow for the light to fill in
Who knew she'd be the one to end up leading me Home.
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