How I dealt with all the fears that emerged when I got engaged

When I got engaged… I was overwhelmed with fear.

After the initial shower of love, wave of excitement, the overflowing messages of well wishes and celebration... I was left feeling drained, ungrounded and disconnected. This spell lasted weeks… and its only really in putting truth to paper now do I feel the light being shone on this experience.

The truth is I was afraid of my feelings and more so I was afraid of what these feelings meant. I was afraid of what I'd uncover. I was scared there was an underlying message about my relationship with my partner. I feared these feelings would tell me things I didn’t want to hear.

I was afraid of my feelings because no-one ever really talks about the darkness that can lurk behind moments of joy ... and thus you feel shame for feeling them.

So I shut them down.

I covered them up with distractions, visions of the wedding, dresses, flowers, dreaminess. I filled myself up with the attention I was receiving from the outside world, I distracted myself by getting into shape. I strived to create the perfect feelings, the perfect moment, the perfect experience ... but as it all unfolded in front of me I knew I had disconnected from my truth.

This became clearer as the days went by and the Woman I saw in the mirror was changing. I was travelling further from my heart and deeper and deeper into my head.

My connection to truth was slipping away and I guess upon reflection this is exactly what I was seeking... a disconnection from my truth so I didn’t have to confront it.

The more we disconnect the harder it is to make sense of anything, but spirit found a way for my reflection to be shone back at me and this came serendipitously in the form of my partner.

A powerful scorpio, confronting and direct he pierced back my reflection in the mirror. He told me he couldn’t see me anymore. He asked where I'd gone and If I'd return back to him. He saw me separating from my truth and as he mirrored it back I became aware of how far I had travelled.

In that moment of being seen by him, it gave me the push I needed to allow myself to explore the depths of this disconnect.. and although I didn't find the answer just then, the awareness of it made me realise there was something much bigger lurking underneath it all.

I guess thats the thing with these big transitional moments in your life ... before you step through them, you are called to clear things that are in your way so that you can truly move into this next chapter lighter than the last... free from the blocks that have for so long weighed you down. I began to realise this is exactly what was happening. A buried wound was coming up, asking to be healed, asking to be released.

So what was lurking?

I allowed myself to sit with it, paying attention to all the triggers that were coming up.

- A need for attention

- Seeking to control

- Seeking validation and approval

As all these vibrations hovered around me, yet something told me they were the symptoms and not the cause.

I asked for support and guidance from above, but also allowed myself to just be where I was in a state of awareness, without needing the answer to make it better. There was something graceful about being in that state, about holding this truth in the present moment.

Days passed, and having flowed through the river of acceptance ... I felt a space create within me. It was through this gentle space that the message would finally reveal itself.

I fear Joy… as I fear it being taken away.

This statement still brings goosebumps to my being.

I fear Joy as I fear it being taken away … I allowed this message to play on a loop in my head as I began to notice all the moments I’ve sabotaged in my life because of this belief, all the times I’ve resisted joy for fear of losing it. From relationships, to my work life, to my personal beliefs. My fears of success, contentment, happiness have sabotaged so many experiences. It has made me play it safe, and hindered my willingness to show up fully in life for fear of failure. For fear that I'm not worthy enough to receive.

During this realisation, I felt the little girl within me rise up, the little girl who fears separation. Separation from love, separation from truth, separation from self… The little girl who has told herself for far too long that “Its easier not to feel, than to get hurt. It’s easier not to fly than to fail. It’s easier to not feel joy than have it taken away.”

I fear Joy… as I fear it being taken away.

I shine these words on the current expression of this... My engagement, and see how this belief has attached onto this moment. A huge moment in my life that is being marked by the Man I love, by the man who fully sees me in all my darkness and my light and who has asked to spend his life along side me?

The stories begin to play out in my head "But what if it fails, what if it doesn't work? I don't want to feel all this joy just incase it goes away."

Flashbacks of my parents separating come streaming in, flashbacks of the times I have separated from myself, from my truth, values and beliefs. Flashbacks of the separation I see all around me, in how we treat one another, in how we treat our animals and our planet.

I fear joy, I fear experiencing oneness because all around me there is separation...

Suddenly it all starts to make sense. When my partner proposed the elation I felt was oneness ... it was a moment in time when this dream of being one became a reality. But then this old wound emerged, this fear of separation which blocked the Magikal feelings that come with oneness...the feelings of joy, of presence and of happiness. Our natural state has become feared, a capturing moment that then dissolves into darkness, because it has become the easier choice to separate from it.

With this deep awakening something begins to come through me. A light, a light that brings this wave of relief, as if my whole being is being rinsed, released and recalliberated.

This light then begins to fill up this once very dark space, giving me the sight to see clearly through. This light gives me the courage to feel it all, to honour it and step through it, this light gives me the strength to share this truth with you today without fear of judgement, expectation or shame. This light has come to reawaken the oneness within.

So today, I write to you to commit to filling this space up with love, with light, with acceptance and in its entirety, with truth.

Today, as I look back at my reflection in the mirror I see a Woman who is ready to feel whole heartedly, who allows herself to be vulnerable in front of you and herself. A Woman who despite her fears chooses courage instead. I see a Woman who chooses to be joyous knowing she is fully deserving, knowing that if she doesn’t allow true joy into her life she will always regret not living, regret not sharing, regret not being who she fully is meant to be.