The journey we take to self acceptance often starts long before we're even aware we're walking it.
Its been a long road to even recognise that at the root of so many of my life decisions has been a need and desire to feel validated and accepted.
Its a confronting and slightly uncomfortable realisation to admit this, to look back and see how so many of the steps I've taken and choices I've made, when stripped back, reveal a basic insecurity and need to feel good enough in the eyes of others.
The truth is, like me, a lot of people are blindly walking down their paths seeking validation and approval and thus making decisions in alignment to that rather than following their souls calling.
I wanted to share my recent journey with you to show you how the universe is constantly sending you opportunities for you to rise, and how sometimes when you don't listen the universe will challenge you further to provoke your awareness, change your perspective and call for you to look beyond what you see.
The only way we can free ourselves from needing validation from others is to become aware that we have been seeking it.From this space we can then begin to dissolve the illusions and understand that our acceptance is all we need to truly feel whole.
A few months ago I was feeling at a loss, feeling stagnation in my work... a flatness shall we call it. I was working hard creating sacred spaces, workshops, pop up rituals, writing and holding 1:1 sessions but I was still shadowed with a feeling that it wasn't enough. Anxiety quickly seeped in from that initial belief... it was a fast paced, heart beating alarm that used to ring and tell me I needed to be doing more. I've never been to "school for spirituality", so I don't have qualifications to fall back on or any accreditation as such that can help to make one feel validated. I guess because of this when fear rises I didn't feel I had the shield of a certificate to deflect it with.
The truth is, I've deep down always known that true spirituality and the healing we need come from within. Our life experiences will always hold the key to unlock our wisdom and thus will become all that we need to go on and share with others. I've always know that my soul is the most important teacher I'd ever need... But I guess when fear becomes too loud, it can become very easy to stop listening to that knowing.
So off I went on a tangent, on the search for a new spiritual practice that I visioned I could weave into to my current offering to ultimately make me feel more valued. I trusted the right offering would come my way at the perfect timing and seemingly just like Magik a course arrived at my doorsteps..."Crystal Sound Healing". I'd attended many sound healing workshops in the past and always felt a deep love and connection to the journey the vibrations of sound could take me on. The journey that so effortlessly connected me back to myself.
I began to do some research and found a beautiful lady who lived close by who supplied alchemy crystal bowls, I went to see them, found out there was a practitioner course coming up and registered my interest. Everything was so effortlessly falling into place. That was, until I realised I couldn't afford to buy this alchemy crystal healing bowl nor could I really afford to do this course.
This slight bump in the road led me to making two choices ... letting it go or manifesting it! And at that moment in time, I was sent a strong call to bring this through!! It was time to MANIFEST!!
So I began to pray, asking the universe to send me the money to do this course. However, as the weeks went by and the money was still not making itself apparent , I began to settle into the slightly disappointing idea that perhaps this wasn’t my calling.
That was until about a week before the course was set to start, I woke up from a deep sleep with the remanence of the crystal sound bowls playing in my ears. It awoken the deep dream I had about them, the dream that ignited the fire in me to not quite let go of the dream just yet.
I wanted to do this course, I wanted to weave these beautiful bowls into my practice so I could help people journey back to themselves!! So again, that night, I lay on my bed connecting to the universe, connecting to the Goddess energy above and below... and I asked to receive the support so that I could bring these bowls into my work.
The next morning I had a busy day with clients and pretty much forgot about the intention I had sent off to the universe under the moonlight the night before. At around 5pm my boyfriend came home holding a handful of letters ...( bills I suspected). I rolled my eyes as sometimes I see my bills in the post box and decide not to open them :) … I just like to leave them there... hoping they may magically disappear :)! Anyone else feel me? Hehe
Anyway he walked in with an assertive tone ,"You’ve got bills here Anoushka… and one of them is from HMRC". It was the end of January at the time, and all I could think of was "Oh no tax season, great thats exactly what I need right now more things to pay for!”.
With a pit in the bottom of my stomach I began to tear open the brown envelope, I pulled out the white letter and began reading
" Dear Sir/ Madam
I am pleased to tell you that you are due a repayment of income tax for the year shown above.
A cheque for the sum of £3284.17 attached below"
A wave of elation washed over me, it was a surge and before I could even make sense of it I found myself jumping up and down screaming, singing, crying laughing.
”MICHAEL THERE PAYING ME BACK £3,500!!! My prayers got answered!!! I prayed for this!!!”
Magik in motion this was!! I felt so aligned, so connected… this was right. This was what I was meant to be doing, and to have the approval and blessings from the universe was just the cherry on top that made me feel utterly supported on this journey I was about to embark on. I called up to reserve my spot and went to collect my very first alchemy crystal bowl... I selected the platinum divine feminine bowl, a space holder, a bowl that could support all the Women I was working with... It was truly a Magikal moment.
As soon as I knew it, it was the morning of the course and as I packed up my bowl I felt as if it were my first day at Hogwarts. I walked into the most beautiful space were everyone was sat with their magikal crystal bowls ...learning techniques and tips on how to play by a true Master.
I remember sitting there with my bowl feeling such a wave of confidence wash over me, I felt proud and worthy. It felt so good knowing I had something tangible to offer my clients, something that wasn't channelling through me, but something I could channel through. Funnily enough, I found myself repeating these words over and over again during the course to the people I met.
Days after the course, this new found confidence continued to grow, I was speaking to people that I had once struggled to explain what I did all about the crystal bowls. I was telling my parents, my friends and family all about this new skill I had learnt. I felt it was easier for them to understand what I did through the bowls, therefore I started letting the bowls take centre stage .. I started feeling my worth through the bowls rather than through myself.
My upcoming Goddess Gathering was fast approaching and of course I was going to going to find a way to weave the bowls in. After the gathering people waited around to ask me questions about the bowls, praising the bowls and saying how beautiful, special and magical they were. I went to sleep feeling whole.
The next morning I woke up and began to get The Goddess Space ready for my morning of 1:1 clients. After cleansing the space, I began to gather together the Magikal tools I was planning on using for the morning sessions. So off I went to pick up the bowl that had been sleeping in the protective bag all evening and as if by the flash of a light, I felt the bag slip through my fingers, and in slow motion watched as it fell to the floor....
The bowl, the journey, the space, the wholeness smashed into a million pieces before my very eyes.
My heart sank to the pit of my stomach.
All I saw were shards of glass that once made up a whole... and just like that, in the slip of a finger, it was all gone and I was left with that same feeling anxiety that I had months ago.
Tears streaming down my face. It was a moment I couldn't escape even if I tried too. It was brutally confronting, one that mirrored back such vulnerability… one that mirrored back all the sharp and broken pieces as the shards inside of me.
I tried to make sense of what had happened but at the time all I could feel was the pain. I called my practitioner teacher straight away seeking support and guidance and she told me
"There is a lesson in this, the bowl would only break to offer healing in a far greater way than it could if it was playing for you, It may take a while to process it … so in this time just honour your feelings"
I spent the next few days in shock, feeling this pain and emptiness…and as I tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together, I began to start listening to the voices that I was allowing to creep back in... and this time I really felt their toxicity.